The Commodification Of Writing

Ain’t no such things as halfway crooks.

After reading Ben’s perceptive blog post on The Gruen Transfer, I wondered why there were no similar shows about writing. Although I haven’t actually seen The Gruen Transfer, I can understand the appeal of watching a bunch of wise-cracking advertisers flaunt their shit to a panel of judges. The show gives viewers an insight to the industry and, most importantly, it entertains.

Eventually I came to the sad conclusion that a television show about some budding writer hunched over his computer probably wouldn’t draw too many viewers – unless I was on it, of course. While I enjoy creative writing as much as the next guy, even I can see that it lacks the danger, the intensity, the jizz-on-your-face action that today’s society requires of its entertainment.

How do we solve this?

If they can redesign cricket – the world’s most boring activity to engage in, let alone watch – into the almost spectator-friendly game, 20/20 cricket, I’m sure someone can turn the act of writing into something resembling a dynamite-laden bouncy castle on acid.

Maybe writing needs to be packaged, commodified, into something a little more spectacular.

Shit, yeah.

I can picture it now. A creative writing game show. It would have to be hosted by someone charismatic and trustworthy to the public. David Attenborough? The Rock? Jenna Haze? Hmm. I think they'd each bring something unique to the show.

Due to outrageous public demand, the show would probably be broadcast nightly across multiple channels, possibly in place of the 6 p.m. news shows. The news shows could be played later at night or even scrapped altogether. (How much news do people really need, anyway? Christchurch had an earthquake, we get it. Meanwhile, in Africa…)

The show would have to have some kind of badass, attention-demanding name, which at the same time communicated the objective and content of the show.

Something like:

FIGHT TO WRITE

or

CREATIVE CARNAGE

or

WORD WARS

or

TWO IN THE PINK, ONE IN THE INK

I’m still undecided on the name. They’ve all got potential.

Each show would have four contestants: two loud, proudly confident men, and two giggly, low-cut-singlet-wearing women. The host would give the contestants a character, a setting, and an obstacle, and then, armed with only pen and paper, they’d set out to write the best piece of fiction they could – all while bathing in the lungs of a thousand llamas, or setting themselves on fire, or engaging in fights to the death with one another.

Gore, sex, explosions, creative writing.

Fuck, yes.

I’m salivating just thinking about this show. And I don’t mean at the mouth.


---


This picture goes out to Ashley. It’s a spider giving a marketing report. I think I made the stapler too big.