An Astute Assessment Of The Average Of Authors

I won't deny it, I'm a straight ridah.

So a few days ago I was sharing my vast and humbling knowledge of the world with someone. I can’t remember who it was, but they were suitably impressed by my charm and good looks, and the conversation soon turned to literature and writing. I remember this particular conversation because it prompted a situation that I seldom find myself in: they asked a question that I didn’t know the answer to.

"What is the average age of a published author?"

The room went silent. The DJ stopped the record and the lights flickered back on. I just stood there shocked, gaping stupidly at them, before excusing myself and scurrying home to rethink my life. In a cocoon of blankets, I huddled on the floor, the question slowly creeping over me, the words wrapping themselves around my limbs like a ball of twine, cutting into my skin.

Changing me.

Days passed. A caterpillar emerges from its cocoon as something beautiful. When I emerged I was no longer human. I was a shadow of myself, a body consumed by an answerless torment. I was half question, half man.


I sat at my computer, refusing to eat, staring blankly at the screen through blood streaked eyes. One night I painted the question in block capitals across the walls of my room, the dripping words cruel and taunting. Every now and then I’d be seized by little snippets of thought that could be the answer to my plaguing question, and I’d whisper these half-formed ideas to myself:

"Somewhere between ‘old’ and ‘fucking old.'"

But I couldn’t help feeling that this wasn’t an accurate enough answer. I turned to Google.

A study performed by the BBC suggests that 50 years of age marks an author's peak. Wow. Indicative of the maturity that a writer needs I suppose, but pretty depressing, really. Slightly less gloomy are the findings from this guy, (who needs a new fucking hobby, holy shit) which claim that 36 years old is the average age at which an author sells their first professional novel.

Either way, if I succumb to being a statistic, I’ve got at least another 15 years before I see a novel get published. Or 29 years if I choose to believe the BBC’s research. Which I don’t. Glass is half full, right?

What am I going to do with 15 years? What if, after 15 years, I still lack the maturity and insight and experience that a professional writer needs?

This is a ridiculous industry.

need a buckie.


X & Y Axis

Trying to get this humble pie down me but it is just so, so hard. Adam and I were nominated in the Axis awards student category. Essentially making us one of the three most pimping it, up and coming creative teams in NZ at the moment. I think that deserves a fuck yes, and a friendly “we have wisdom and we wish to share it”.

So what do awards mean for creatives and agencies? Well, essentially awards help build profile for everyone involved. They create notoriety for agencies and teams alike. And of course they award excellence in the creative field which is always nice since after slaving for countless hours on a campaign, staying up till well past 1am, continually doubting yourself, and wondering if it is really worth it, a good old fashioned pat on the back goes a long way. Especially if that pat on the back resembles a shiny new trophy.

So what happens at industry awards? Well, I’ve been to a few industry award ceremonies now and a few industry functions and all I can say is snap. Look at it this way, the advertising industry has X amount of dollars running through it each year. Translate 90% of that X amount and you roughly get the amount on the bar tab at each of these functions. The remaining 10% goes to the best tapas style finger-food you’ve ever had. For the evening you glide around the room from bar to platter whilst rubbing shoulders with some industry big dogs (of which I’ll soon be one, sorry I can’t resist).

Next, the awards part. Usually accompanied by some sort of industry-in-joke centred video. Which I must say is quite insightful and actually funny. This part of the evening is probably not for Ben, who stands at the back of 21st party speeches and whispers ‘bro this is so cbf’ to anyone near him, but if you can enjoy it then this time is a good time to congratulate peers and fellow creative’s for their work. If they beat you, accept it and applaude, if you won, then dance up on that stage and go collect your giant novelty cheque for ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!! You crazy bastards.

Finally after all the awards have been handed out and new grudges have formed, the bar tab opens up again! Heeeeeeey! At this point of the evening most people slip out under the cover of a looser crowd moving to the back of the room where the bar is. If not, and they choose to stay, it’s usually pretty dam lifeless and at this point you’re more loitering than a guest. So go on, enjoy the time with the people around you and laugh slightly as the people who serve you and have to clean up after you leave wait around. (chill out, chill out, Adam and I have done our fair share of Hospitality and Catering, it’s the circle of life).

So wancers. To conclude. Advertising awards, get them, go to them. The two ways one can earn an award are, Scam ads (Ads made purely for the purpose of winning awards) or by good old fashioned on-the-money and on brief creative solutions. Sadly, the scams usually have it but should never be dwelled on or over-used, use them as career starters for notoriety, not career supports. Finally, try to be a creative’s plus one to award ceremonies, you’ll get all the benefits, without having to talk to anyone. On that note I’m single……. Ladies *tips hat*


When I grow up I want to be a...

Here at WANC we’re making a few changes.

Firstly, as you’ve already seen, we’re adding Adam to the roster for those Sunday lates. Now you don’t have a reason to worry while clicking through your daily browse on Sunday nights, raging at having to wait another whole day before your next WANC fix. We’re hoping he can bring a fresh new dish to the social and expand on the content that we already have to offer. Expect good things from this man.

Secondly, while our readers may enjoy the wild banter that goes on or what concerts Jelly goes to, we are really looking at tapping into a subject that everybody will want to read about, not simply about our homework. While we hope that we are providing a new and exciting perspective on the inner workings of what it’s like to be a budding creative, we realise that not everyone shares our passion or agrees with our lifestyle choices and while we can’t cater to everyone, we hope that each writer can at least provide something of value to the fans.

Finally, we want to get this shit buzzing. We’re going to work on pushing our site even harder. We’ve broken the 100 fan barrier on Facey and have recently joined the ranks of the pros on Twitter. We want to hear YOUR feedback on what you want us to write about, what you’d like to know about the creative world and what makes us different from accountants. You may not even care at all and would simply want us to just find you some funny pictures and have us prove that the internet certainly isn’t wasted on us. Feel free to comment on our posts/Facebook/Twitter and follow the blog and let us know how we can improve. Maybe blogging can be a good thing, right?

We want to connect with other creatives and the like and get people excited about the future. I heard from some guy that big fuck off corperates are actually hiring people with BA’s over those with business degrees. Maybe that BA was actually worth it?

With the introduction of new technologies and media every day, people are realising that the shit that your dad learned at school is quickly becoming obsolete and our generation seems to adapt seamlessly.

Much like how Nana’s keyboard on her home computer doesn’t work properly because she hammers like her old typewriter. Remember how Granddad can recite every element on the periodic table or how he helped design the Auckland harbor bridge? How many times have you had to reset his router when he can’t send his emails?

The world is changing whether we like it or not and being a creative doesn’t seem as unthinkable as it was ten years ago when we were growing up and trying to decide whether to be a professional soccer player or a zookeeper.

In other news, Charles and I presented an assignment the other day where we had to expand on an already existing advertising campaign and show it could be done in new ways through mediums that it hadn’t previously used. We chose the Carlsberg campaign, you know, the one that’s like “Carlsberg don’t do this, but if they did, it would be the best radirah in the world.”

Have a geez.

Would you buy it?

Can you guess what it is?

We just need a girl in this one to make it complete.